Iskreni tweetovi otkrivaju nam pravu istinu o životu u braku

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) 7. veljače 2019.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) 8. veljače 2019.

I married my wife just so people would have something to like about me.

— Aunt ‘Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️‍🌈 (@ravenswng_) 5. siječnja 2019.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

— Cₕₐᵣₙₐ𝒹ₒ⚡ (@shesatornado) 15. veljače 2019.

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) 8. veljače 2019.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) 10. veljače 2019.

Sometimes love looks like your husband destroying your clean kitchen but you keep your mouth shut because the guy can cook.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) 18. veljače 2019.

For some reason, when I have a cold, my doctor tells my wife to take the aspirin.

— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) 11. veljače 2019.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband's truck.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) 9. veljače 2019.

My husband took my leftovers to work with him. Does anyone know a good divorce lawyer?

— Shay 🍔 (@justsomegirl81) 4. veljače 2019.

My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) 11. veljače 2019.

You’re married now. Informing your partner that you’re “feeling gassy” while you’re having sex is just part of the routine.

— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) 13. kolovoza 2018.

My wife asked me to do a juice cleanse with her. It’s going good so far. After 6 hours of using the juice maker, we were able to extract almost a gallon of juice from four truckloads of fruits and vegetables.

— Oaks (@OakHill_) 12. veljače 2019.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) 7. veljače 2019.

Snoring dog=loving affection
Snoring husband=seething rage

— jan (@JJSummertime) 17. veljače 2019.

Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened.

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) 7. veljače 2019.

Magically, my wife texted me more items for the grocery list once I was in the parking lot having completed the initial grocery list.

— Dad Bits (@DadBits) 5. veljače 2019.

Texting my wife 300 times while doing the grocery shopping to clarify every item on the list and also to ask what size and how many and which aisle is why I don’t have to go grocery shopping any more.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) 9. veljače 2019.

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) 12. veljače 2019.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) 16. svibnja 2018.

Instead of yelling my husband's name when I need him I'm just gonna scream OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER NIPPLE!

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) 11. veljače 2019.

I see your bloodhound and I’ll raise you my wife knowing everything I ate and drank in the last 8 hrs just by smelling my breath.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) 16. veljače 2019.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) 17. veljače 2019.

Marriage is a great way to be sarcastically reminded of that asinine comment you said 12 years ago.

— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) 17. veljače 2019.